What’s that smell?

Here’s what a man looks for when shopping for deodorant:

1.  Does it make me not smell like hideous B.O.?

2.  Does it make me not smell like a woman?

That’s it.  As far as I can tell (and I do consider myself an expert on the subject of smelling like a man), dudes aren’t too picky when grabbing a stick off the shelf.  Maybe someone can back me up here?  Men do not differentiate between Morning Breeze and Morning Mist fragrances.  Men do not have to take off the lid of 424 deodorant sticks before making their painstaking decision.  It’s a fairly cut and dry (no pun intended) process.

You can only imagine my great chagrin, then, when I stumbled upon this rare gem in product promotion at my local Uvalde Wal-Mart:

Words fail me.

Let’s ignore for a second the garish sticker affixed to the stick of deodorant, and focus on the contents of the product.  My initial thought is that this is clearly an appeal to the desire of men everywhere to reek of freedom, but  ice?  Wind?  What does that even smell like?

Coincidentally, Old Spice also has two other phenomenal variations of this product.   The first one is appropriately dubbed Denali, which “[S]mells like WILDERNESS, OPEN AIR, & FREEDOM.”  Rounding out the trifecta of antiperspirant brilliance is Fiji which is advertised as smelling like “PALM TREES, SUNSHINE, & FREEDOM.”  Are you noticing a commonality here?  Men can’t resist…smelling… like freedom?

It’s deodorant, people!  Please revisit the aforementioned criteria for male deodorant selection and you’ll understand my infinite frustration at this terrible, terrible downward spiral in antiperspirant marketing.  What’s happening to all of the Sures and Speed Sticks, or even the original Old Spice?  It is a sad, sad day, my friends.

Here, dear reader, is my minor confession:  I bought it.  Yes, in my moment of infinite weakness, I succumbed to my insatiable desire to reek of ice, wind, and freedom.  Mostly because I didn’t want to smell like sunshine or wilderness.  Given the alternatives, I think that I made a wise decision.

To some Degree,  I want to put a Ban on this inappropriate scent labeling of deodorants across the world.  Can I do it?  I’m Sure that I can.

But it’s no Secret – I smell good.

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